Kids have always been an impact-driven category, so why are they rarely included?
“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.” — Margaret Mead
Kids. The future of humanity. The legacy of humans. Parents bring children into this world with such expectations. They generally want their kids to achieve greatness. Make them proud. But the expectations seem to be so one-sided. Always about what parents expect from kids. But what about what kids expect from parents?
I am in no way an anti-natalist. Or advocating for humanity to go extinct by not procreating. But, the fact is the laws of nature are such that we don’t actually have a choice in being born. That decision is made by the adults who bring children into this world.
Given that it’s the adults who made the decision to create this other person. Surely the onus and responsibility to create a fair and equitable society for this offspring also fall on us adults? Why else are we bringing children into this world? If not to have them be a part of a thriving and equal society?
With this premise in mind, why then do we dismiss children as well children? Don’t they have a right to live? If yes why are they for the better part of their growing years excluded from the decision-making process?
Children by definition are not there to help us tick a parental box in society. They have a much larger role to play in society. They have so much impact. They represent the continuation of society and the advancement of our species. Not to mention the emotional impact they have on their parents. And yet…
Let’s check in with reality, shall we?
- We have children all over the world “robbed” of their childhood due to lockdowns.
- Kids are skipping school to protest about climate change.
- Teens are considering whether they should have children at all.
- The Death of Nature is at a tipping point
- There might be a food and water crisis in the future.
This is not an exhaustive list. But they all have one thing in common. It concerns our children and their future.
We are bringing our children into a planet that is trying to stave off extinction. But they have no say in the decisions being made about their future.
That’s the macro picture. At a micro level, children are rarely included in the decision-making process of the household. Which school to go to, what extracurricular activities to be a part of, do they want more siblings and the list goes on.
In some households, kids can’t decide which college or profession they would like to be a part of. It's all pre-decided for them. But we seem to forget that these are the future leaders of our society. We want children to make us happy. But what about doing things that make our children happy?
And god forbid if the child is LGBTQIA+ and the parents have not created a safe space for such discussions. Now the child has the additional and totally unnecessary stress of “coming out” to the parents.
Take a look at this tweet from Dan Price. As he mentioned a “minor” needs parental consent to open a bank account. But they are somehow adult enough to get a student loan?
Here’s another example from Nat Eliason
How many parents will really support their child’s hobbies? Especially if it's making memes?
As detailed in previous posts, I was always included from the time I was 4 or 5 years old. Even when discussing whether my parents were to have more kids I was included. They asked me if I wanted a sibling and I said no. And so I’m an only child.
Why are more children not included in the decision-making process? Why I am the exception and not the norm?
When I was in my early teens my closest friend at the time used to tell me all the time “Karthi, you have no idea what our lives are like. Your parents care about you and support you, they don’t worry about what you do. But our parents are constantly controlling us. It’s like a black hole, you can’t imagine it.”
I remember being pissed and offended at the time. But as the years went on I started seeing his point of view.
Right! Back to the topic at hand. These issues regarding kids almost pale in comparison when you look at some cultures where the patriarchy is so strong — the father decides who the daughter/son should marry. The father then proceeds to “sell off his daughter” for a dowry.
Child brides and child marriages are normal in some cultures. So not only can they not make any decisions that affect the macro issues in their future, they quite literally have no say in their life or who to live it with.
It's time we change this. And start looking at children, not as an accessory or someone to carry on our bloodline. Or someone who we can boast about to our neighbors.
We need to stop seeing our children as an extension of us. We need to start seeing them and treating them as individuals.
In a world where kids have no say in who the head of state is, in legislations being passed, how companies are run, surely the least we can do for them is include them in decisions made at home?
In a recent Wicked 7 meeting, Christian Sarkar quoted an old Native American quote:
“In our every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations.”
So being the diligent Googler that I am, I dug a little deeper. The quote is from the Great Law of the Haudenosaunee. It's a founding document of the Iroquois Confederacy or “People of the Longhouse.” They started off as five and then become six tribes in New York State. It was a participatory democracy of sorts.
The quote above is a succinct version of their great binding law. Here’s the full:
“The thickness of your skin shall be seven spans — which is to say that you shall be proof against anger, offensive actions and criticism. Your heart shall be filled with peace and good will and your mind filled with a yearning for the welfare of the people of the Confederacy. With endless patience you shall carry out your duty and your firmness shall be tempered with tenderness for your people. Neither anger nor fury shall find lodgement in your mind and all your words and actions shall be marked with calm deliberation. In all of your deliberations in the Confederate Council, in your efforts at law making, in all your official acts, self interest shall be cast into oblivion. Cast not over your shoulder behind you the warnings of the nephews and nieces should they chide you for any error or wrong you may do, but return to the way of the Great Law which is just and right. Look and listen for the welfare of the whole people and have always in view not only the present but also the coming generations, even those whose faces are yet beneath the surface of the ground — the unborn of the future Nation.” — Source — https://www.7genfoundation.org/7th-generation/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CIn%20our%20every%20deliberation%2C%20we,on%20the%20next%20seven%20generations.%E2%80%9D&text=Neither%20anger%20nor%20fury%20shall,be%20marked%20with%20calm%20deliberation.
This is certainly a documented version. But it's my understanding that many native tribes generally adhere to this philosophy.
They have always seen the future generations and children through an impact-driven category lens. Its us so called civilized people who have made children a functional category. And neglected to think about impact.
Who’s the savage now?
We have always tried to force indigenous people to see the world through our category lenses. Perhaps its time we started seeing the world through their impact-driven lens.
And may be in time, we will be able to save the future for our children. That I believe is the utmost duty of any parent today — ensuring that our children have a thriving equitable society and planet.